Section 2’s dilemma
by clear shot
Summary: an agent has to make a choice. a nice one shot with a dark tone. r


Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion or any of the characters from there. I made up the character James though. So I guess that's mine.  
  
((Section 2's dilemma)): a one shot :-: by clear shot.  
  
Why does one obey even when one knows the command given is wrong? Why does one continue to follow, when everything about it is wrong? Hopefully you'll learn from experience.  
  
++++++++++ ++++++++++  
  
I've finally moved up in rank. After three years, someone finally admired my work, if you can call it that. Working in America was something I just now realized I had taken for granted.  
  
"James... here's your new assignment." The head of section 2 handed me a sealed folder with a solemn look on his face. This mission had to be big. He used my first name without saying 'agent' in front of it.  
  
I took his words in stride and walked out after saluting him. I wanted to avoid looking in the folder for as long as possible. I was telling myself I wasn't afraid to read it but I was lying. I'll open it when I get back to my measly little apartment.  
  
NERV is a big place. Just walking to my car would give me enough time to compose myself. I didn't like working for this organization as much as I though I would. It had its good times mixed in with the numerous bad times. I remember...  
  
The first assignment I was given. Watch, and protect Rei Ayanami the first child. What others applaud me for is her not even knowing what I look like. She had no idea I was in the shadows. No idea the commander himself said to me, 'just watch and report her every action. Don't let her know you're there.'  
  
What a peculiarly quiet girl she is. I tapped her phone, and no calls. I bugged her apartment, and not a sound. No music, no television, not even a book page being turned. Just sleeping, eating, and showering. She would only leave to go to school and NERV. She was devoted to her job more than anyone I've ever seen.  
  
Yet she always had the same bland look on her face. Even though I know it's against policy and my direct commands, I wanted to talk to her and cheer her up. She seems to be a pawn just like I knew I was becoming. No. Just as I knew I would defiantly become once I opened this folder. They knew as well as I, that I wouldn't disobey.  
  
I didn't know the truth about her then. How could she live thinking that she was created for a purpose that only the commander knows? Why did they even tell me she was created? I didn't want my life to be as messed up as it is; yet everyday a little piece of me regrets every order. Every bit of information on these children is enough to make a person sick. Her sole purpose seemed to be following orders. When will I get the horrid thoughts of what I can only image she's going through, out of my mind? When will I have to draw the line and disobey?  
  
Disobeying? Words resurfaced from when I was having my so-called initiation into NERV. 'You will follow every order. If not, you're dead, plain and simple. You will not release any information at all to anyone unless it is an order to do so. Otherwise, your dead.' Now that I think about it, I never saw the man who gave the rules again. He couldn't take his own words to heart I guess. To bad though, he was a pretty decent friend for the short while I knew him.  
  
There I go again. Thinking he's dead just cause I don't know where he is now. The thought doesn't bother me like it should. These NERV bastards sure know how to beat the life out of someone, making them give up hope and humanity. Is there not a moment when I can't simply change the subject of my thoughts to someone dieing or in the very least longing for it? Slowly I may be beginning to hate myself for just standing idly by when I know what's going on. When I know how to help someone but cant because of my orders.  
  
Orders that come from the commander and are passed down from rank to ranks as far as it is permitted. Every single one of those orders has revolved around those kids. The commander takes them and everyone else for granted. Taking people for granted? I wonder why that reminds me of the second child. One of the hardest people there was to observe and not react to.  
  
She was visibly the most normal of the children. She tried to interact with others and have fun all at the same time. She was a teenager on the outside, but I believe I knew more about her than she herself did. More than she herself would admit.  
  
Above everything else she hated being ignored I believe. That's why she had such resentment for the first child. But that's also why I think she liked the third child so much. He would go hand over foot for her. He was there to listen to her but she would never talk about her emotions and problems. It was always some mundane subject, which she was verbally and sometimes physically abusive about.  
  
I knew that she was afraid deep down inside. She would cry in her sleep and call for her mother. I was told that if I found it necessary I could access her files. I didn't want to know what made such an outgoing and strong person cry every night about. Who knows if I had chose to learn about her, it would even have fazed me at all. I think I didn't read it cause I knew she wouldn't want me to.  
  
I can't believe how I felt for those kids.  
  
I remember when the third and second had to sync with each other. Finally I had a change in routine. Something different was happening, including Katsuragi's promotion to major. They threw a little celebration party for her. That's funny how the only time they had a good time was the only time I felt good. The only time I didn't mind following orders. I was for the first time being paid to feel happy for someone.  
  
I remember that very night I was done with my shift. I had everything written down and ready for the OK by the big boss himself. Commander Ikari. I met him before and turned in a few reports to him as well. But this time I didn't mind going to see him.  
  
Was he a cold man? I wouldn't even hesitate saying yes. But people whom just knew him by appearance could tell you that. But I had to stand there in his peculiarly large and empty office as he read my report in front of him.  
  
When I handed in that particular report I knew even he would have a smile brought to his face. The pilots were getting along well, everyone seemed happy, and most of all, his son was finally at peace for that moment.  
  
He took it and starting feverously reading as he always did. I swear he was the fastest reader I had ever seen. "Thank you agent," was all he said. He said that after every report, fax, and salute you gave him. He didn't care at all, and if he did, he did a damn fine job of covering it up. I couldn't help but look visibly shocked at his lack of reactions. He noticed it right away. "Is there something wrong agent James?" I could only barely stutter out a response. He caught me off guard that time. "No sir."  
  
He dismissed me but I could feel his stare on my back as left his office. That's when I made up my mind about him most definitely. I wouldn't trust that man with watching my lunch while I tied my shoe. I made a note to steer clear of him.  
  
My thoughts then again drifted to the folder I was carrying. I had to take a look as to where the chain of commands came from. If it was from the Commander, then I would keep my eyes open a little wider than usual. Right then and there on the long escalator up I broke open the seal to take a glance at the first page. Sure enough the command was issued by him and ask to be specifically given to me. That didn't make me feel any better knowing that a total of maybe three or four people knew what I had to do.  
  
It's not that having few people know what I'm up to is the problem. It's the commander being one of the few. Even his own son doesn't trust him. That poor kid, Shinji Ikari. I was the one that found him after he ran away. I was told to head that mission, and thought that it would be a piece of cake. The mission itself was easy, but I when I saw that boys' face when my men and I showed up on that field, I wanted to let him go. He would have been better off away from NERV, just like I think I would be.  
  
He saved all of us and all he got were problems from disobeying a direct order. From then on I've made it my own mission to watch out for him. I hope he knew that he had a friend on the inside. But of course he didn't know, how could he. My job wouldn't allow it, though it would have made him feel better knowing that someone was looking out for him.  
  
That's enough of that. I'm just an observer of life. I'm judging a father- son relationship that everyone knows is hardly there. Gendo doesn't deserve a son like Shinji, and to think that that's an understatement is dead wrong. He used his son; he brought him back to the city, from a normal life, to take part in the scenario he has as all in. Great. Now I'm finding new reasons to hate my boss enough to work up my emotions. I know I'm not cut out for this line of work.  
  
++  
  
Finally I made it to my car. I can go home and forget what NERV has to offer for my future. Maybe a little music will help me tune out my thoughts. No forget it, I know there's no point.  
  
I've been putting it off long enough, any longer and I could get reprimanded I bet. I could only feel dread when I open the folder. All signs pointed to something awful. But they know I won't disobey.  
  
I couldn't help but fell anxious while I opened it again. That sick feeling in my stomach that always prevails. I could never get enough of that. Now lets see. Page one chain of commands specifics and liabilities. I don't need to know any of that; it's just a formality on their part.  
  
Here we go. ' Mission debriefing. Code 708 Kaji Ryoji.' Code 708 means assassination. Now I'm deemed an assassin. My first though was how much this was unfair to me. NERV making me kill someone. Then I realized how selfish that sounded. Someone had a mark on their head and I was thinking about myself. I guess that's only human nature. Always looking out for number one.  
  
I read on.  
  
'Subject Kaji Ryoji. Hard evidence has proven said subject as a spy with critical information of NERV. The current employer is still debatable yet with the information he has, he is too dangerous to the NERV organization. He is to be dealt with appropriately. At twenty-three hundred hours tomorrow, you "Agent James" are to carry out your duties as a section 2 agent of NERV.'  
  
So it was final. My first big mission by myself was an assassination. All of this guys information followed the orders so there was no way I could just put it off and request more information. This had to be done, and I was the one that had to do it. It took me a while before it really sank in. I had to read it again to make sure. On second glace a sentence stuck out more than last time. 'Do not under any circumstances discuss with the target. Eliminate the target on sight.'  
  
I couldn't even talk to him? Well its not like I wanted to have any connection to the guy before I killed him, but still. He was a human being.  
  
I can't over think this or I'll probably end up the one dead from my own mistakes. And now I'm in to deep to get out. NERV owns me, but now they own my soul as well.  
  
++  
  
(The next day. Twenty-two hundred hours.)  
  
I'm ready. I can't prepare anymore and I can't turn back, I'm definitely ready. Kaji Ryoji was supposed to arrive home in about an hour. All I could do was sit in his dark apartment and wait for him. What a place to reflect on my thoughts.  
  
I tried putting myself in his shoes but I immediately shook that thought off. It would make me reconsider. There couldn't be any hesitation. I decided I should run over what exactly I was going to do, the hundredth time today.  
  
He would walk in alone and turn on the lights. From there he would walk to his kitchen, where I was. Three shots point blank rang, one in the stomach to disable him, two in the chest for the kill. Then it would be over for him. I envied him a little. He would be free of this world, but then again maybe he didn't hate this world as much as I did.  
  
I hear keys at the door along with someone talking. It must be him on a cell phone; there was only one voice. The door open and shut, then the lights came on. He was still talking while he was walking down the hall towards the kitchen.  
  
I saw him step in. it was surreal, it didn't seem like this was going to really happen. He saw me and didn't look surprised at all. He finished his one sided conversation. "Ask Shinji if he could water my melons, will you Misato." He hung up and looked at me with a excepting smile.  
  
"So you drew the short straw, hey James?" How did he know me? Then I realized that he was the man who gave me my orientation to NERV. He was someone I knew, someone I thought of as my friend.  
  
"How? Why?" I was lost for words. I never lowered my gun but my eyes gave away that I was significantly confused. I could see the pity on his face when he looked at me. Or maybe it was sympathy, but nonetheless he had already accepted his fate.  
  
"I know your just doing your job. I was the one who told you to follow orders no matter what. Kill or be killed in the field is the only way to live."  
  
I couldn't help but want a reason why, anything that gave me justification for why I had to do this. "I'm sorry. I don't want to. I really don't, but I still have to. I don't even know why I have to."  
  
"You know as well as I do James, its because I'm a spy."  
  
"But why would you? Why take the risk? Why put yourself in this situation?"  
  
"There are some things that I believe we should fight for. I have tried tirelessly to topple the giant NERV. I finally found what I needed to do so."  
  
"So that's why you're taking this so lightly? Cause you think you made a difference? What if what you did changes nothing?"  
  
"Then it won't matter. If we can't stop them, then there's nothing to live for."  
  
"What does that mean? Even if NERV is a threat, they cant possible have an effect on the outcome of earth and its people."  
  
"You don't know how wrong you are James. NERV is holding us all in the palm of their hand. You know the truth about the second impact don't you?"  
  
"Of course I do. We tried to harness the first angels power and it basically backfired."  
  
"You also know that millions of people died. You also know that only a few people actually know the truth about the second impact. It was man that got greedy and wanted all the power to himself."  
  
"It's in our nature Mr. Ryoji."  
  
"Then what makes you think that mans desire for power was quenched? The third impact will happen, its just a matter now of who's going to control it, us, or the angels."  
  
"That can't be true. How could it be?"  
  
"Then why are you here James? Because of a rumor, or the truth that there is threat to mankind."  
  
I knew he was right. He knew the truth about it all. Was killing him right? Of course not, but I knew I had to. Was what I doing the best answer to anything? I could tell you that if I had a million years to think if this is right for any reason, I would still say no.  
  
Then I had to ask myself why... why was he lying in a pool of his own blood, while I took apart my weapon and placed it back in my coat. Why did I do it? Why didn't I have the will to disobey? Why does it hurt so much?  
  
I have to turn my head until I feel the darkness inside me go. I stepped over him like he was a pile of clothes, like I wasn't responsible for what just happened.  
  
I've never felt worse in my life. I just kill someone, and it wasn't for self-defence or an accident. I did it because I was told to, because I can't think for myself.  
  
To top it all off, Kaji tells me why he's ready to die, and its good reason. He has beliefs, well... had beliefs. He lived his life with a purpose. He knew what was happening and he tried to prevent it. He took his risk and faced his consequences like everyone should be able to. He did what I wanted to do. Know how to help someone, and then have the courage to follow through with it.  
  
Before I even realized it I was home in my apartment, sitting on the edge of my bed with my face in my hands. I made a decision then. I was going to help when I knew how; I was going to pick my battles and stop following orders. It took a lot but now I was starting to understand.  
  
Right then when I came to my new realization I heard the wind blow form outside, it sounded as if a window was open. I got up to take a look and saw something that I couldn't even register.  
  
A man dressed in black with a silenced handgun pointed at me. The same one that I was issued, the same that everyone in section 2 was issued. Two flashes and I felt my life leave me. My legs wouldn't hold me so I fell to the ground. It didn't hurt at all. It was warm and comfortable, I felt like I was falling asleep after a long days work.  
  
Maybe I shouldn't have talked to Kaji about NERVs' secrets. I should have done what was done to me. Get the job done, no words, no regrets. I wonder what this agent was told about me...I wonder...how...he...must...feel.  
  
+++++ +++++ A/n: I wrote this some time ago, can't remember when though. Review if you can please. Oh and my fic manipulation is still ongoing, no worries there. next chapter is almost done for that. 


End file.
